It is sad for some, it is a relief for others, it is a death for many, it is a blessing for a few more, it is a desperation many times, it’s years of resistance, it is the product of a life, it is unexpected, all of this for so many others ... the question of divorce is that it is an intense moment in the life of those who pass it.
We can have several scenarios that lead to divorce whether it's a legal marriage, whether it's in a long or short relationship ... if you prefer we can call it SEPARATION if you do not want the legal part to be concerned.
"Divorce comes from the Latin divortium," separation, "derived from diverter," to take opposite paths, to depart ". In addition to being used to describe the breakup of civil marriage, the word appears in the interesting term divortium aquarum, "separation of waters": the line from which running water takes opposite directions: a concept adopted to determine geographical boundaries in regions where no there are other points of reference.
This was one of the criteria suggested for Argentina and Chile to establish their borders in the Andes: a virtual line based on the point at which the rivers that flow into the Atlantic and those that flow into the Pacific divide. "According to https: //www.dicionarioetimologico .com.br / divorce /.
Divorce is a word that was assimilated and legalized by the law in 1910 in Portugal, needing a legal figure to regulate these moments of the emotional forum that have consequences at the level of the most mundane life.
Such scenarios may be these and a few more infinite, those that correspond to the inner contours of each:
-union without love
-lack of communication
-differences of thought
-sexuality distorted, poor, nil, or excessive
-lack of intimacy
-lack of comprehension
-inability to be authentic
- inability to express your needs
-inability to see the other
-lack of confidence
-missing a child
-death of someone not outdone
-beyond love, wanting more than just a partner
The reasons are countless.
Every time I enter a consultation and the theme of separation and divorce presents itself, I feel the presence of a very old institution, as old as the very existence that gave birth to the duality, that gave rise to the night and day, which gave rise to man and woman, unlike cultures and borders that separate us and mark this dividing line of cultures, that gave birth to the child's exit from the maternal womb, that gave birth to life and death, that makes us feel death in the unconscious, conscious and even in the physical ... a longing, a fear, a relief, a rest, a deep breath before the inevitable ...
I can say that a large part of my clients come through the door of the consultation mostly through relationships, it is usually the gateway to a deep and incredible journey of self-awareness and discovery ... whether past, present or already what they knew but become more recognized, or something totally new about himself...
This institution, SEPARATION or DIVORCE, is strong, heavy and has many expressions in the people who live it, from a terrifying silence, a pain in the chest, a heavy depression, dreams destroyed, nights in clear, tears that have dried the source, screams of despair, laughter of relief and perplexity, of years of giving up life, of days and days that seem never to pass, the gray color, new doors to open, races to enjoy the lost years, a simple and beautiful acceptance of the end, learning, many teachings ...
If we stop and contemplate the old figure that exists since we are aware of ourselves, separation is inevitable, even for couples who are together a lifetime, at the time of death, even for them there is a separation, even if it is physical.
Separation is a foretaste, a real exercise for the ultimate moment that will be death, separation from all that we know, from everything we hold, from our own history and our loved ones.
The separation is a death, a death forever in some, a death of what there was as a system of that relationship. Is without doubt a leap into the unknown, for we set out to life in a new way without knowing what this form will result.
How to deal with a separation, how to survive a divorce?
Attention that separation and divorce can happen between very close friends, where daily conversation, deep sharing is often more real than in a relationship where there is sex. How many sessions did the theme of separation come from the loss, the ending, or the renegotiation of friendships? Many! So much like love or sex. Sometimes losing the "great friend" is more painful than losing the partner.
If we can look at a separation or divorce as an opportunity for growth, research, learning about our inner self, about the way we live, how we relate, how we express ourselves, how we give ourselves, how we share and contribute ... the pain does not pass, but the suffering diminishes, because we can attribute a sense to a moment of great pain and by giving it meaning the pain happens to be our ally. Ally for our growth, for the meeting with ourselves in a very deep sense.
The pain will be felt until we purge emotionally, mentally and physically a state we do not want to give up, a state we do not know how to quit, a regret or vice, an immense longing ... The purging of a separation takes time, different for each one, but for what I am seeing and living is the existence of an average of 2 years. There are no rules, fortunately, but there are averages, but they also only serve as pillars of regulation.
It is a time when we are forced to caress, where we are forced to feel, where we are obliged to reflect even to forgive, to leave, to pass, to thank, to learn. This period can be of extreme importance if you give it a chance, because with a work of conscience you can know the intricacies of your being and thus reformulate, renegotiate, expand, heal deeply and even make peace with yourself .
Take advantage of this moment as if there was no tomorrow, because it is an incredible moment of vulnerability where you allow yourself to be helped, because when we suffer, we fall to our knees and accept all the help, because it is welcome. But then, I invite you to use this time, moment, situation, experience with all your consciousness and use it in your behalf for your benefit.
I've been through 2 divorces and a couple of separations in my youth. None of them was easy. The first of all, at the age of 16, with my first love, was the disgust of passion; it was an introduction on the adventure of being completely overwhelmed by a feeling I had never had for another human being, to surrender myself innocently. One day, it was over. It hurt my body, it hurt my soul, my heart was in mourning. I was alone, I would go out with other people, but nothing was going away despite their effort and goodwill, I went home alone and it lasted for a long time, until one day, one last cry jumped from my eyes to the desk where I was studying philosophy. I cried more than 3 hours… later, when I finished I felt in all of my being as the last drop of that love.
assion; it was to start me on the adventure of being completely overwhelmed by a feeling I had never had for another human being, to surrender myself innocently and one day it will end. It hurt my body, it hurt my soul, my heart was in mourning. I was alone, I dined with other boys at times, but nothing was going away despite their effort and goodwill, I went home alone and it lasted for a long time, until one day one last cry jumped from my eyes to the desk where I was studying philosophy. I cried more than 3 hours later and when I finished I felt in the totality of my being as the last drop of that love.
They helped the friends, helped the reflections and learned that although everything is worth just to love and would not be afraid to love, wanted to love. But it was still far from the meaning that love has for me today. I still came from such an unconscious, even sick part, but it was so for me and I treasure this love, the first passion that overwhelmed me and also made me who I am.
The second separation was from the father of my children, that love that I thought was forever, a true love, unconditional, very happy, full of grace and intimacy, full of joy and total surrender. This love gave fruit to Manel & Martim, the deepest love that I would ever felt. Here I was given the possibility of knowing a love in its purest state, the love of mother. It was not easy being a mother and there were moments of extreme tiredness that lead me to contact with old demons, life insecurities, existential issues. Here I was transported to the deepest and most real journey. Without having asked for it to happen to me. All the therapies, retreats, sessions and spiritual books fell to the ground, because this was the practical life and there was no escape, I had to deal with all this and put myself at the service of another human being, love was either true or all these holes of my being were being revealed. I thank every revelation and opportunity, because they have returned me to whom I am, they have healed my and my family's pains ... attention that these are not hollow words, they were dark moments that led me to feel again, the fear of being rejected, the fear that my children could go through abuse as I passed, fear of not being enough, of not being a good mother, seeing myself without patience and how this was revealed in screams or apathy - this and many more made me grow up, want to improve and to be free of so much darkness, to transform so much pain and suffering in love, in creativity, in life!
This separation brought me the fear of not being able to rise my children by myself, would I be alone? How to share children with their father? How to trust again? Would any man want a woman with children? Could i ever love again? Would someone love me ...?
And a long process went on to find me again, now with much more awareness and with the experience of life, with the weight of reality, has been walked. Tears, feelings of freedom, fears and new opportunities ... I thank every day the pain of ending dream but with the joy of a woman who was growing.
The third separation, the one I call Purga, of so many sickly patterns hidden, of so much healing necessary for parts of my soul that I carried so much pain, which I often called love. I did not know, but there was a path I had never seen before, I went back to abuse, to the dependence of toxic relationships, to the need to work in excess to accompany the life that was not mine, to the addiction of allowing manipulation and thinking that I could save someone! SAVING, in fact my inner child who had not been saved at the right time, acted in me wanting to save others as a way to save themselves, even this profession I have, was also the product of this child who desperately needed space for feeling that it is possible to heal, get out of the pain and return to love and see life as an eternal flower that blossoms with its sweet smell.
So, when I separated myself from years of pain, I gave in to love, but to my love! And I was alone, alone, alone ... without another love that was not mine ... and this journey gave me back my being, my wife, my company, my cure - that will be eternal, since already I have no illusions of a quick end, but I do not see it as something inaccessible, on the contrary, at every step I see enlightenment, a sweet light of consciousness that blossoms forever - it has given me more confidence, more joy, of my truth, of what really matters and how to catch me in the curve when these standards still want to act, how to accept them and give them due attention so that they can be attended to and melted by simply letting me be. This was undoubtedly a profound revolution in my being and also a great liberation. I remember that cliché: pain as your master. And it was! So I continued the way back to my soul, but now with more strength, the force of suffering that led me to see how much I had to learn to truly love myself.
And yes, I remember the good and magical moments of all these loves that came to an end, this great river that leads me where I have to go.
And when the purge began to come to an end, when the healing filled me already with understanding, acceptance, forgiveness, joy and love pushing me again into the process of opening to life, to the expansion movement ... love had a new opportunity. And now with a lot more awareness of who I am.
If you can look at yourself in one of those moments, you will be able to truly see yourself and have the opportunity to grow closer and closer to yourself and to be free to truly live love, love of elation, love of children, love of self, love of life, love of creating your life.
What can you learn with your separations?
Some tips to deal with this moment:
• Accept the pain and suffering of this situation.
• Be 100% honest with yourself, only then can there be transformation
• Do not run away from it, do not lie to yourself and do not try to lessen the pain with other relationships, with alcohol or drugs or even antidepressants to stop feeling the pain. You'll just fall asleep and one day you'll come back! It's inevitable!
• Ask for help from a quality professional and start off on the biggest discovery you can have, yours.
• Share with close friends who can give you real feedback on your situation
• Stop blaming the other and focus on your healing process.
• Focuses on itself
• Allow yourself to confront your faults, your faults, your most difficult feelings, they are the door to understanding
• Allow yourself to know when destructive patterns that repeat themselves throughout life appear to be prepared to recognize them and decide how you want to live life, and not to be a slave to those feelings or ways of thinking that lead you to repeat the same situations and attract the same kind of people.
• Remember that you have the possibility of growing and being free in your hands.
• At the same time invest in healthy activities that bring you pleasure.
• Invest in your being
• Do not isolate yourself
• And have the ability to be patient with yourself
• By indulging in this deep process of consciousness will make sense of this moment and you will feel that you are moving toward yourself, not just lying down with the intense pain of separation.
Written by Satya
Airplane on the way to Geneva to reach the Ukrania